Never Say Never

I deleted my Myspace this week. I'm actually surprised that I've held on to it for so long! It's been months since I had logged on so I thought I might as well just delete it. Before I did away with the whole thing I read through my "blog" entries that I had written and had to laugh out loud. Here's my favourite (with my comments written in purple) from September 2006:

In this moment I'm pretty happy. Everything is going relatively well and I'm happy that it's fall and I love fall clothes, shoes, wearing good jackets and lululemon hoodies.(Still love my lulu hoodies...)

(Berlin - June 2006)

I've started a new show (On a Clear Day) and despite the crazy rehearsal schedule, I'm loving the show and my part in the show and everything to do with that.

If you're close with me you'll know that I've been a little weight-obsessed lately. It started just before I went away to Europe when I wasn't feeling the greatest about myself and considering that Europe was all about indulgence, I felt even worse when I returned.

I did a "detox" (I followed Dr. Joshi's Holistic Diet) with Mel when I came back which made me feel good for awhile but I wanted more results than that and I knew that I couldn't go on not eating wheat, gluten, dairy, sugar, caffeine, fruit, meat etc. forever. People do it, and they're very brave, but that just wouldn't suit my life or make me happy. (ahahahahahahahahahahahaha, boy how things have changed!)

I started weight watchers 5 weeks ago and so far Ive lost 4.4 lbs or something like that. I feel like 4.4 lbs is a great achievement and I'm really proud of myself. It's been tough at times and giving up my favourite indulgences has not been easy. But I totally want to do it to make a lifestyle change and feel better about myself on the outside and feel better on the inside. (yay for positive thoughts creeping in!)

Last night I had a bit of a meltdown after Weight Watchers. (I think I've told this story in my meetings) It was prompted by a lot of things (the fact that Ive been hungry for two days, my period is coming, I was up 0.8 lbs on the scale etc.) I had a good cry on Charles Street with Mel and just vented. There have been so many positive things about weight watchers but last night it was all about the negative ones - that all I wanted was cookies, that I was hungry, that I was constantly worrying about my weight and my eating, that I haven't been going to the gym very much, that I should be going to the gym more, that I don't have time to do anything, and most of all that I obsess over this whole thing a lot more than I ever did.

Today is a new day.

I'm really proud of my 4.4 lbs that I've lost and I really want to continue on that track. I think that as always, I've set very high expectations for myself and I want instant results - don't we all?? I want this and I want it right now. This very second. Not tomorrow, but today. But really I'm realizing that weight loss isn't going to be instant and it's definitely going to be a bumpy road. So for now I will celebrate my achievement thus far with some umm fat-free yogurt?

PS -- Thanks to Melly for the hugs and the pep talk and the encouragement, thanks to Ali for putting up with me not want to go out (love my girlfriends) and to Joey for his positive, encouraging and empowering talk the other night.

(awwww, we had only been dating for over a month and he was already so incredibly supportive of me <3)

Wow!

Have you ever gone back and re-read your diary from junior high or high school? That's how this feels for me. It's so strange for me to read, but it really shows how far I've come in the last three years.

Lessons Learned

• Attitude is everything. Even amongst the negative comments in my writing, I was still able to keep a positive attitude. I stuck with WW even though I had gained two weeks in a row (gasp!) and was able to focus on what was working and the fact that I had still lost weight over all.
  
• The term "detox" is overused and can be misused. I haven't re-read Dr Joshi's book, but what I did during that "detox" for 3 weeks was basically eat whole, real, unprocessed foods - what a concept!! At the time I thought it was intense, because my eating was HORRIBLE but in reality, I wasn't ready to change my eating so drastically. My beginnings in WW really helped me to focus on the foods I was eating and my portions which was a better fit for me at the time, which were baby steps to help me get where I am today.
  
• You need to be ready to change. I've said it once and I'm sure I'll say it again (and reading this passage really proves to me how right I am): If you had told that Ashley that she would be eating gluten, dairy, casein & refined sugar free all the time, she would have laughed in your face. Many things have changed since then (achieved weight loss goal, WW Leader, Crohn's) and I've learned a lot. I am so happy eating the way that I do now, but I know that I needed to get to where I am now in order to feel that way. The changes I was making in 2006 were baby steps to help me get to where I am now.
  
• Never say never. As we go through life, we change and grow as people - this is part of what makes each of us unique. While I'm still the same old Ashley (who loves life, dresses and the colour pink), I've changed a lot over the years and (for the most part I think) in ways that have been incredibly positive. In 2006 I never could have pictured myself where I am today - eating the way I do, being interested in the things I love, surrounded by the people I am so blessed to know.

I already look back at some of my older blog entries and see how far I've come. I can't judge myself for doing those things/eating that way/making the choices that I did - because I just wasn't ready/didn't want to change, nor did I possess the knowledge to do so which is perfectly okay!

You need to do what's best for you where you're at right now.

What's important is that you're doing what works for you to the best of your ability and learning from your previous experiences. That's it! Don't be afraid to laugh at yourself and really see just how far you've come. Heck, there was another blog with my recipe for jello shooters!!! (I refrained from posting that one because I felt there was less to learn from that one...) It was neat to look back and really helped me to see how much I've learned, and how much I've changed in three years.

What can you learn from a "past you"? Is there anything in life that you wish you would have figured out sooner?