The Life is Sweet series this year continues to amaze and inspire me. I love that given the parameters of a blog post for a series called Life is Sweet about mental health and loss, people can go in an infinite number of directions with what they choose to writer about and share. I'm so stoked to have Emily on the blog today with a whole lot of honesty.
I'm here to tell you that it's okay to
feel bad, and it's okay to be totally open about how bad you feel.
Oh, and an early PS: I am one of those people who will always
call it like it is.
I spent a lot of time and a few drafts
thinking about what to write for this guest post: I could talk about
my experiences with suicide and self-harm, I could talk about the
science of happiness (I love brains and I love talking neuroscience),
I could talk about the onset of my PTSD and anxiety after an abusive
ex-boyfriend and getting wrongfully arrested for reporting him for
domestic violence, I could talk at length about how pop culture
treats mental illnesses and ply you with a bunch of quotes... in
short, I am no stranger to unhappiness, or to being verbose.
After a somewhat upsetting recent
experience, I decided it would be most important to do what I do best
– call out something that's NOT working in our society, and once
it's stripped naked for all to see, let's change it so that we can
start to feel better in our own skin.
This is going to come in two (okay,
maybe three) parts. First off, let's talk about what bullshit image
crafting is, and why it's got to stop. I'm sure you know what I mean
– those happy statuses from friends where all they ever talk about
is how great their life is, how great their partner is, how great
their job is... and don't even get me started on all the half-naked
(or more!) photos out there, of people vying for attention and
comments on how attractive they are.
When you're already down, or have put
on an extra few pounds, or feel like you're unlovable and perpetually
single – this kind of shit is poison for your eye sockets, heart,
and brain. When you're alone on a Friday night in your pyjamas and
can't stop crying, the last thing you need to see is how damned happy
everyone else around you seems to be. It's so easy to believe that
you're worthless or unlovable or just plain doomed when you can't
seem to form the kind of friendships that you see documented on
Facebook, or when people don't respond to your Tweets or texts but
converse with everyone else. I have been there. Everyone has. Whether
or not they have the balls to admit it is a different story.
The blunt truth is that the people who
consistently indulge in image crafting are likely just as insecure
and emotionally fragile as you are, no matter how well put together
they may outwardly seem. Don't let their happy outward appearance
fool you. Since you wouldn't knowingly eat poison, why do you let
your eyes, brain, and heart consume it? The bigger blunt truth here
is that you are NOT any less attractive, lovable, or worthy than
these people who are indulging in their own form of insanity. Don't
let yourself get sucked into a self-doubt spiral through unfair
comparisons – your private rehearsals of existence versus their
larger-than-life perpetual opening nights. Goddamn it, you are pretty
and worthy of love. Yes, I mean YOU, who is reading this right now.
What's maybe worse than image crafters
are the people who seem to think that you should only use social
media to post happy thoughts. You know what? That's bullshit too. The
people who want to judge you or bring you down for expressing all
sides of yourself are, quite frankly, not worth your time or
attention or loyalty or respect. More than once, I've been accused of
being an over-sharer, or seeming “unprofessional”, or going
against other people's “values” by posting personal things that
were less than happy and shiny. To me, that just weeds out the people
who don't understand me and my shoot-from-the-heart ways. If people
are going to judge you for expressing yourself as a whole person,
with varying moods and ideas and ALL THE FEELINGS – well, then it's
like Marilyn Monroe said: “if you can't handle me at my worst, then
you don't deserve me at my best.”
If you express “I'm sad”, the
people who respond with “how can I help?” are the ones who are
worth their weight in gold. As a society, we are still told far too
often to keep our emotions in check, to make sure we “appear to be
socially acceptable, and don't you dare step a toe across that line
or we'll de-friend you.” It's utterly ridiculous. We are not
robots with a default setting of 'happy' wherein the broken models
have their settings stuck elsewhere. As we evolve into organisms
that interact more and more via the Internet and technology, rather
than in person or via paper letters or telephone calls, the way we
express ourselves needs to evolve as well.
I'm here to empower and reassure you
that it's okay to be open about who you are: you beautiful, tangled,
complex mess of a person. I know this because I'm a beautiful mess
too. It's taken me a long time to realize it and to be able to
advocate for myself, but I am the furthest thing from normal-brained,
at the best of days. People will tell me “wow, you're so organized
and busy”. I tend to laugh at these well-meaning but misguided
folks who don't know firsthand about the sleepless nights I spend,
the anxiety attacks when I can't deal with doing the stacks of
laundry that seem to double when I'm not looking, or how I have spent
more time than I care to admit at home in my pyjamas aimlessly
surfing Facebook or playing Candy Crush instead of doing the work I
should be doing.
Emotions are messy and complicated. At
the core, we still have our lovely lizard brains controlling the show
– the part of our brain who just wants to know if we can eat, have
sexytimes with, or will have to fight new stimulus (or people) that
come into our lives. Emotions are volatile; just like a bundle of
explosives, sometimes they can't be contained. Don't be afraid to
explode if you need to. The people who are your true friends will be
there to help you put the pieces back together.
It's okay to be angry, and it's okay to
be sad, just as much as it's okay to be happy. It's okay to talk
about what's making you feel this way – even if you don't know
exactly what or why – and it's okay to reach out for support when
you need it. If you want to talk about what you're feeling, please
please please always go for it. Post some sad song lyrics, send a
friend a text, write a screaming status update in all capital
letters. Whatever works best for you. Do it when you're happy AND do
it when you're sad. Blog it, vlog it, scream your feelings from the
rooftops. I wish more people would.
Never censor yourself for the benefit
of other people. They don't know what's happening in your heart. And,
if needed, you've always got an understanding ear and a big
comforting hug here.
Love,
Your Sister of Perpetual “Oversharing”
Emily Schooley is an accomplished creative professional who loves crossing genres and boundaries. She has been known to work as an actor and filmmaker, along with offering personal coaching and a handful of other talents through her biz that make her a bonafide Girl Friday. You can check out her offerings for YOU at http://laughingcat.ca and https://www.facebook.com/
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