You are Missing From Me

Tu me manques. You are missing from me.

It seems so much more fitting than just “I miss you” as we say in English. And 18 years after my mom’s death it almost feels redundant and insignificant to say that I miss her.

But I do.

I realize her absence when I’m really excited about something – whether it be a new job, a great day, a cute dress, a new friend, an exciting opportunity.

I realize she’s not there when I want to pick up the phone and call her to talk about a tough decision or challenge that I’m facing in my life. Even up to age 13 I always felt that I could talk to her about anything. I watch friends and family members and colleagues and movie characters and complete strangers talk with their mothers, and I am reminded that I can’t do the same. That’s what moms are there for, right?

I miss her every single day and over the 18 years that she’s been gone I’ve noticed the mom-shaped space in my life. It's not empty, but more like a shadow that is always present. 

This year we lost my Nan. It brought up old feelings and more sadness. While our relationship had its challenges, I loved her and she was still a connection to my mother. Hearing that her house had been sold was a blow to my heart – I had so many memories of my mom in that space and visiting there was such a comfort. That’s gone now too.

With each passing year that she’s gone, it reinforces the fact that she’s not coming back. This isn’t some long vacation or holiday or visit to another country.

As the years go by I continue to wonder what my mom would be like - would she be happy to celebrate her birthday? Would she be on Facebook? What would our relationship be like? What kind of music would she enjoy? How often would we connect? How different would my life be with her in it? I don't know.

Today would have been her 55th birthday. I like to think we would have celebrated. But instead she is missing from me and every single poppy reminds me of my loss. I know that they carry a strong significance, but I can’t help but associate Remembrance Day with another birthday that I won’t get to celebrate with my mom. 11/11 feels like an extra painful day.

Every day my mom is missing from me, but today I'm feeling the loss more significantly.

Happy birthday mom. Tu me manques. 

Let's Go - Starting with Core De Force

Today marks day one of my journey with Core De Force, and as I talked about last week I don't think I've been this excited to get started with a program in a long, long time!

I've spent the week test-driving the Core De Force workouts and I'm stoked to officially jump in with the full 30 day calendar today. This has been a tough year and my body is not where it was. To be completely honest, I'm feeling frustrated, sad and a bit embarassed about this. I am such a huge advocate for healthy living and loving your body, but that's something that's been really tough for me of late. I want to write more about this in the future, but I'm feeling optimistic and empowered today to be starting with this brand new program and really giving it 100%.

In anticipation of getting started today I've gotten ready by:

taking my measurements

snapping before photos

making a meal plan

doing some grocery shopping

prepping some meals

I did my meal plan and grocery shopping from Monday - Thursday by hand and then hit the grocery store yesterday!

The little colour coding system at the bottom of my meal plan refers to my allotted containers for the meal plan each day. This program follows a similar version of the 'Portion Fix' program that is used in 21 Day Fix, 21 Day Fix Extreme, Cize, and more. I'm in the 'A' category for the meal plan. I kept things fairly simple for the week and I'm also looking forward to sampling a few of the recipes from the Core De Force meal plan guide. 

I spent some time on Sunday doing a little meal prep (which included protein waffles and chilli) and made a couple of tweaks to my meal plan:

This is mostly based on the fact that a) the protein waffles didn't really turn out as planned (the first one was a COMPLETE disaster!) and b) I realized I was going to be eating out on Thursday night and needed to move things around a bit. In any case, I'm all set with meals!

I'll be getting up each morning to get my workouts done. The workouts are 30-47 minutes long, so I'll be up at 6-6:30 each day to get them done! I'm thankful for our November accountability group which is getting started tomorrow because I'll have an awesome group of challengers and coaches to help keep me accountable!!

You may be wondering why my meal plan only goes Monday-Thursday... well that's because I'll be in New York City Friday-Sunday! I'm thrilled to be spending a weekend in my very favourite city. It's been 2 years since I've been back (check out my last trip here for the food and the fun) and I've been missing it! I'll be drinking my Shakeology, carrying on with my workouts but visiting all sorts of restaurants and having great adventures. I can't wait!

Okay Core De Force, let's do this!